Safe Haven · Pretty Girls Who Serve
You deserve to feel safe with the people who say they love you.
This is a quiet place to read, to think and to plan, at your own pace. Nothing you do on this page is sent to anyone. If someone walks in, press Leave quickly, or press Esc twice.
Before you read: your privacy
- Your browser keeps a history of the pages you visit. Someone who uses this phone or laptop may be able to see it.
- A private or incognito window helps, but it isn’t perfect. The Hotline says history can never be completely erased from a device. If you can, use a phone or computer they never touch: a friend’s, a library, a campus computer lab.
- Leave quickly replaces this page, but earlier pages can still be in your history. Clear it afterward if it is safe to: in your browser’s settings, look for Privacy, then Clear browsing data.
- If you text a hotline, delete the thread when you’re done.
Someone to talk to, any hour
You don’t have to figure this out alone.
These lines are free and private. You don’t have to be sure it’s abuse to call. You can just say, “I’m not sure what’s happening.”
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Any kind of abuse, any age. Free, private, 24/7, in 200+ languages.
love is respect
For teens and young adults, about dating and relationships. 24/7.
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
If you are overwhelmed or thinking about ending your life. 24/7.
RAINN
If someone sexually assaulted you, now or in the past. 24/7.
What abuse can look like
It isn’t always a bruise.
Abuse is a pattern of one person using power and control over another. It can happen in dating, in marriage, with a roommate or a family member. It can happen to anyone, and it is never your fault.
PhysicalAny time someone uses their body or an object to hurt, scare or hold you.
- Hitting, slapping, shoving, choking or grabbing
- Blocking a door so you can't leave
- Throwing or breaking things near you
- Driving dangerously to frighten you
EmotionalWords and behavior that make you feel small, crazy or alone.
- Name-calling, mocking, humiliating you in front of others
- Telling you no one else would want you
- Cutting you off from friends, family or church
- Making you doubt what you saw or remember
- Threatening to hurt themselves if you leave
FinancialUsing money to control where you can go and what you can do.
- Taking your paycheck, refund or financial aid
- Running up debt in your name
- Keeping you from working, studying or having your own account
- Making you ask for every dollar
DigitalUsing phones, apps and the internet to watch, pressure or shame you.
- Demanding your passwords or checking your phone
- Tracking your location without asking
- Constant texts and calls to know where you are
- Sharing or threatening to share private photos
SexualAny sexual act you didn't freely choose. Being together, or married, doesn't change that.
- Pressuring or guilting you into sex
- Sex when you were asleep, drunk or high
- Ignoring a no, or a stop
- Making you watch or do things you don't want to
StalkingA pattern of watching, following or contacting you that makes you afraid.
- Showing up at your class, job or dorm uninvited
- Messages from new accounts after you blocked them
- Leaving gifts or notes you didn't ask for
- Asking your friends where you are
Reproductive coercionTaking away your choices about your body and pregnancy.
- Hiding, damaging or refusing birth control
- Removing a condom without asking
- Pressuring you to get pregnant, or not to be
A private check
Is this healthy?
Answer for yourself, about one person. Nothing is saved or sent; close the page and it’s gone.
When you’re ready, answer as many as you like.
You can always talk to someone: 800-799-7233 · text START to 88788 · love is respect 866-331-9474. In danger? Call 911.
Your safety plan
A plan, written by you, for you.
A safety plan is just thinking ahead: who you’d call, where you’d go, what you’d bring. Fill in only what helps. It stays on this device and is not sent anywhere. If someone could find it, don’t keep it here: print it or write it down and keep it somewhere safe.
A downloaded file goes to your Downloads folder, where someone could find it. It is named notes.txt.
Tech safety
Your phone should work for you.
Location sharing
- Check which apps share where you are: Find My, Google Maps location sharing, Snap Map, Life360 and the like.
- Both iPhone and Android can warn you about an unknown tracker moving with you. If you get that alert, take it seriously.
- Turning sharing off can be noticed. If you think it would make things more dangerous, talk it through with an advocate first.
Shared accounts
- Family plans, shared cloud accounts and saved logins on their devices can show your photos, messages and location.
- When it is safe, change passwords from a device they have never touched, and turn on two-step sign-in.
- Make a new email they don't know about for anything private, like talking to an advocate or a lawyer.
Signs someone may be watching your phone
- They know things you only said in texts or in private.
- Your battery drains fast or your phone runs hot when you aren't using it.
- Apps you didn't install, or settings you didn't change.
- If you suspect spyware, removing it suddenly can alert them. A safer phone (a friend's, a library computer) is the place to plan.
More from the Hotline: Internet safety for survivors.
For college women
Your campus has to help you.
Title IX covers dating violence and stalking
Title IX isn't only about sexual assault. Dating violence, domestic violence and stalking are covered too. Your school's Title IX Coordinator must reach out, offer support and explain your options. Their name and contact are on your school's website: search "Title IX Coordinator".
Help without filing a complaint
Supportive measures are free and you can get them with or without a formal complaint: a new dorm or room, changed class or work schedules, extended deadlines, a campus escort, a mutual no-contact order, counseling.
Changing housing or classes
Under the Clery Act, your school must also offer changes to your academic, living, transportation and work situations whether or not you go to the police. Ask in writing, keep a copy, and ask what they need from you.
Who keeps it private
Counselors, health center clinicians and campus advocates are usually confidential. Many professors, coaches and RAs must tell the Title IX office. If you want privacy, start with a confidential advocate, or with the hotline.
Protective orders
A protective order (some states say restraining order or order of protection) is a court order telling someone to stay away and stop contacting you. The rules and forms are different in every state. An advocate can walk you through it, and WomensLaw.org explains each state in plain words. A campus no-contact order is not the same as a court order.
Read more: Know Your IX on supportive measures · WomensLaw.org, the laws in your state · The Hotline’s safety planning. This is general information, not legal advice.
Worried about a sister?
How to be the safe person.
You can’t rescue her, and you don’t have to. You can be the one she knows she can come back to.
What to say
- "I'm worried about you, and I'm here. You don't have to explain anything."
- "I believe you."
- "It's not your fault. Nothing you did makes this okay."
- "Whatever you decide, I'm still with you."
- "Do you want me to sit with you while you call the hotline?"
What not to do
- Don't tell her to "just leave". Leaving is often the most dangerous time, and she knows her situation best.
- Don't confront the person hurting her. It can put her in more danger.
- Don't post about it, or tell other people without her say.
- Don't give up on her if she goes back. Keep the door open.
- Don't make her choose between you and them.
The Hotline helps friends and family too. You can call 800-799-7233 to talk through how to support her.
Faith and safety
God does not ask you to stay in abuse.
Some women have been told that a good Christian woman stays, submits and prays it away. Hear this clearly, sis: the God who calls Himself a refuge is not asking you to live in fear. Love, as Scripture describes it, is kind. It does not control, humiliate or harm.
“Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;”
1 Corinthians 13:4–5
Scripture asks husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church, and tells them plainly: “Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.” (Colossians 3:19). Submission is never a command to accept abuse. A pastor or church that tells you to go back to someone who hurts you is wrong, and you can look for care somewhere else.
Getting safe is not a failure of faith. Praying and planning go together. A pastor who believes you can walk with you, and an advocate can help you plan; you are allowed to have both.
“The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.”
Psalm 34:18
“The LORD also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble.”
Psalm 9:9
“In righteousness shalt thou be established: thou shalt be far from oppression; for thou shalt not fear: and from terror; for it shall not come near thee.”
Isaiah 54:14
“He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.”
Psalm 147:3
Every tear counts.
“Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?”
Psalm 56:8
Whatever you decide today, even if you decide nothing yet, you are not too much and you are not alone. Come back here whenever you need to.
